Bubble Thought #2: Quarter Life Crisis

It's the time of the year that people are gearing themselves with raincoats and boots and their weapon of choice - big umbrellas. Rainy season is here in the Philippines and this weather sucks. That's a big statement, isn't it? Though I'll give credit to the cool breeze I'm feeling when I wake up every morning but this weather gives you all the reason not to get up from bed. Bed weather it is. When I'm all alone, everything around me disappears. It's like I'm stuck in a black room and everything starts to flash back and the next thing I know, my cheeks are wet because of tears.

I am 24 years old and there are things that bother me and will continue to bother me in the future. I take it as part of the so-called "quarter life crisis".  I don't know if it really do exist but it seems like the right words to describe what I am feeling. I don't regret anything that happened in the past and the things I regret are the things I didn't do.

Quarter Life Issue #1: It's been 3 years since I graduated from college. I'm supposed to work now to help my parents but there is nothing I can do. The only job I would like to be on is as a nurse. In my country, its tough to find a job especially as a nurse. I am lucky enough that my parents understand my situation. My mom even told me that "I'm not lazy, that I wanted to work but there's no work that will suit my course". I am thankful enough to have a family that supports and understands me but it kills me inside to just be here and not being able to help them financially. I'm scared of what my future will bring me and I'm even scared of what our family's future will be.

Quarter Life Issue #2: Last week, I took a quiz from a magazine about "What is the right field for you?". Surprisingly, I got the lowest score from medical field (which is the one I took when I was in college) and got the highest score with both communication and writing. I came to think that "what if" I pursue my love for writing, where will I be today. I don't regret that I took up nursing (I love it, really) but maybe if I still continued writing back then, I'll be a better writer now. 

Quarter Life Issue #3: In my mid-college years, I came to the point wherein I have to distance myself from some friends. There are things that happened that puts me in an awkward situation. It breaks my heart to be away from them; to see them but not able to talk to them and even if I do talk to them it's like I don't know them. When this year started, a path led me back to my friends. It is the nicest feeling to be back in the arms of the people who'll do crazy stuff with you. I've been spending a lot of time with them lately. I'm so thankful that I found my way back. Unfortunately, as I found my way back, some friends are a bit lost and too busy with their life that we've lost track with each other's life. I miss them and I want to see them again because they are all important to me.

Quarter Life Issue #4: When 2011 started, every time I opened my Facebook account it's like everyone's getting pregnant, engaged and married and not too long when my best friend got pregnant as well. I was happy for her and for those I know that got pregnant and delivered their healthy babies. Whenever I see their babies' pictures, there's something inside me that twitch. As a woman, I want to have my own baby; the one I'll raise just like how my parents raised me. I think most people at the child bearing age undergoes with this dilemma. Six years from now I'll turn 30 and being pregnant at the age of 30 offers a lot of health risks. Though as of this moment I don't want to be a mother. Eventually, yes! Two to three years from now. But the thing that scares me is if I am capable of bearing a child. Yes, my gynaecologist told me that I can have my own child but what if she's wrong. *fingers crossed*

Quarter Life Issue #5: A year ago someone broke up with me. As of this moment, I don't have a boyfriend. I am happy being single but sometimes I'm looking for that someone to spend this cold weather with. I am ready to fall in love again and this time I promise to be a bit wiser. I always wonder if when is the right time for that person to find me and let ourselves fall with each other romantically. I am scared if I'll meet any decent guy; the one who'll do anything just to keep me away from being heartbroken again. I wonder if there's someone out there who is meant for me. I wonder why I loved someone in the past but he ended up loving someone else. I wonder why it happened because I may not be perfect but I'm not a bad person.

This quarter-life-crisis phase sucks just like how the weather brings back the bad things. I want to get over with all these frustrations with my career, financial problems, anxieties with relationships, "settling down" issues and nostalgic feeling about my past life.  It may look petty but they really bother me. I find insecurities in others who are the same age as I am. They're on the verge of reaching their goals, while I am just a quarter compare to their achievements. I wonder when my life will begin, a life as a young adult; working and building her future and her family's. I promise to continue conquering my fears and facing life with a stronger and better me.