Bubble Thought #4: Let Your Tears Flow

This past few days had been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. For the reason/s I can't pinpoint. I find myself crying over the show I was watching; next thing I know I was crying because of the novel I was reading then I was crying while staring at a blank wall of our room.

People see me as a vulnerable one. My friends can attest to you that I've cried over petty things. I cried during our Junior Prom. I cried during our pinning ceremony. I cried because I was touched with the song I heard. I cried because I was so happy for someone being announced as the batch Magna Cumlaude. I cried because someone prepared a surprise for my birthday. 

Back then, my friends especially my bestfriend would tell me that I was the Maria Clara type. I am modest and well behaved and the one who talked calmly.

Fast forward to today, whenever I talked to them they would always tell me that "Maui, you've changed and we love it.", "Maui, you are more of a fighter.", "Maui, you are so brave and strong."

I take them as a compliment and I guess I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to live with that. I wanted to be strong.

A lot of things happened to me. I still don't have a job. Family relationships and problems. Someone broke up with me. Grandmother passed away. 

This year, I spend a lot of time with friends whether out of the town trip or just chitchat over coffee and milk tea. It helped me. I am with the best people who let me enjoy their company. Well, of course, that doesn't prevent me from still feeling alone. When I am all alone again, I can't help but think of the things that had been happening in my life. If you have read my blog about Quarter Life Crisis, well, yeah, its pretty much the same.

I just felt so bad lately. I don't know if I just keep dragging myself with these miseries or because whenever I asses my life I felt hollow. And as I type this post, tears kept pouring.

• I cry whenever I think about the years that passed since I graduate from college. I badly want to have a job. It's killing me whenever I asked my parents for some money. Though I don't asked that much (I use my own money when I'm out with friends). I wanted to have my own professional growth. I wanted to start my career.
• I swear I am completely over my ex. When my friends asked me if I still cry over him, I simply answer 'no!' because the truth is I don't cry anymore. But whenever I read something, I can't help remember the good things we've shared and that will remind me of the bad things he had done that crush me and my family's hearts. I'm not mad about it but I hate him for doing that. I can bear the fact that maybe I wasn't a good girlfriend to him, that somewhere along the road I made bad things (but I was always faithful to him). But I just hate that he needs to crush my family's heart where all they did is to help him and treat him as their own son/brother/grandchildren. And that I won't forget that he did that.
• I cried whenever I remember my grandmother. The only grandparent I grew up with. The only one who would know what food I ate and what food I hate. The only one who would asked me if I'd like to eat something even if I don't need to tell her. I badly miss her and I know I was never a good grandchild to her but I really really love her and I wished she knew.
• I cried because I know that I am the least person to be chosen in a room full of beautiful ladies. That I was always the wallflower. That no one will come to loved me like the one I read on novels and that is so pathetic.
• I cried because I miss my father and that I wished I could hug him like I was a little girl. That I could put myself to sleep on his arms. That we could eat his favorite foods together. I miss him so much.

My friends were wrong when they said that I changed and that I am strong because I'm not. I am still the vulnerable girl who would run away from her problems and would choose to keep it to herself.

I wished I could have someone to hug me and I could drowned myself with tears and would not say anything. I just want to feel the comfort hugs bring. I just want that sense of security and that someone would say "It is okay to cry and it is okay to get hurt but I need to learn that it is also okay to go on. To go forward in life without looking at the past."

What I am feeling is nothing compared to those who don't get to eat three times a day; to those who keeps on hoping that their loved one would surpass the illness they are dealing.

I know mine is nothing compared to them but sometimes people break down from all the sadness they are feeling and it reminds me that I am a human and I need someone to support me.

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. - Antoine Rivarol